What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
