my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
