I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
