I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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