If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
