He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
