mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.