you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.