look no pants
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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