she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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