Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
