I just threw up on my dentist
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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