Someone shit on the floor
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
