I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
