My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You can't special order awesome
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
