New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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