My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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