Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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