did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
