he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
