she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
