He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
