Don't make out with my wife yet
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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