So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
