she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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