if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
