I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize