I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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