I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
