In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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