Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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