Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
