drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
