it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
