CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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