the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
