i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
