My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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