Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
