you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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