She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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