I'm jealous of your bromance
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
