shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
