could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
