I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
