woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
