just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
