I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
