I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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