if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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