Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
