What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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