Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
