I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
