I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
