I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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