Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
she told me i tasted like america
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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