dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
