She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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