i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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