Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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