Having a random hookup so left but love u
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
